oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
