Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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