i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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