I just threw up on my dentist
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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