If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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