We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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