jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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