you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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