Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
