how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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