her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
