Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
