i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
