"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
