I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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