then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
