The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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