I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize