Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
