I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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