Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize