mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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