He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
