No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
