Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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