Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
