I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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