I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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