the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
