i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
