Cold hands, warm shart.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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