we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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