if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
