Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
