Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
