i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I love having hate sex.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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