you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
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