Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
