I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The convent might be a nice break from real life
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
