there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
