If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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