I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
