I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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