i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
