So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize