Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
