im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
