There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
