My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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