I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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