My friends, they love my intelligence
People in love make me want to vomit
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
