I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
