??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
