They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
