You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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