I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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