Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You are the jesus of drinking
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
