He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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