Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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