I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
