i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
