I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just high enough for therapy.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize