Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
