someone get that fucking seahorse.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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