sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
