it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
