just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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