I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You are a genius and a whore.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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