Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
