everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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