Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
